First Person Shooters: PC vs Console

A console player, playing against a PC player

A console player, playing against a PC player

I cannot fucking believe that in two thousand and fucking sixteen, that there are still people arguing that consoles are superior to PCs for FPS games. Seriously. Seriously?! Give me a fucking break, man! Now, I am NOT talking about unit sales here (which is the focus of this article), which notes that increasingly, game developers are marketing more toward console mouthbreathers than the true members of the PC Master Race.

So to recap, this is NOT a popularity contest! In this post, I will talk about why playing FPS games on PCs are an inherently more immersive and just all round better experience on PCs when compared to consoles. Please take a look at my comprehensive list below, if you disagree, please feel free to stick your dick in the electrical socket you use to plug your poverty PS console or Xbox into.

#1 Speed: No, I’m not talking about the fantastic movie starring Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, and Dennis Hopper. I’m talking about the speed in which you can point and click and blow motherfuckers’ heads off! To compare the speed in which you can do that on a PC vs a console is like comparing the speed of Usain Bolt vs a regular white guy in a 100m sprint.  And that white guy is also named Stephen Hawking.

PC Gamer (Left) vs Console Gamer (Right)

PC Gamer (Left) vs Console Gamer (Right)

#2 Accuracy: But I can move my thumb over the black penis, err I mean joystick faster than you can drag that mouse across the mousepad! Yeah, asshole, nice rebuttal! Try doing that without your aim-assist (side note: gaayyyyyyyyyyy) and watch yourself look like an even bigger retard than normal as you spray bullets diagonally at the sky or right into the floor. Nice job, dickhead! Think any pro Counterstrike teams play on console? Well, maybe if they want to constantly lose to my eleven year old sister on her PC, yeah that’s a good strategy! Oh, and she’s using a mouse with a ball (one more ball than most console FPS players possess).

A cat pawning console idiots

A cat pawning console idiots

#3 Immersive-ness: Somewhat related to the above two points, but if you don’t like it, feel free to suck my dick. When we play an FPS we want a total immersive experience. We want to feel like we are our character, a total badass hitting headshots on terrorists, aliens, and noobs. We want to feel what it is to be Keanu Reeves as John Wick. So when we end up with the speed of Jabba the Hutt and the accuracy of a Stormtrooper, we feel more like Keanu Reeves in The Lake House. Oh and spoiler alert! A bunch of goons break into your lake house and kill you because you were too busy running around like a spastic and shooting the floors and ceilings.

PC Gamer

PC Gamer

Console Gamers

Console Gamers

#4 …..: Hmmmm, actually I can’t think of any other reasons. But guess what? Speed, accuracy, and immersive-ness are reasons enough!

To conclude my totally well-reasoned, well-balanced, and well-thought out article, I would like to kindly invite my console-playing, simian-leaning, gym-going, protein shake-drinking, Neanderthal-like console FPS players to put the consoles down and stick to what you’re good at: ass-grabbing. And if you’re going to drink all those protein shakes anyway, check out http://theproteininvestor.com/ so you don’t piss away what little cash you have.

P.S. If you need further proof on the superiority of the PC for FPS, please see this experiment, using Titanfall, in which sissy console players complain that without aim-assist, they would be relegated to crying for their mommies. Take a look at this quote:

“I think a controller with disabled aim assist would be so inaccurate you couldn’t get a kill,” ~Little Bitch

QED, bitches.

keep crying